A habit of mind revealed itself during a moment of hectic frustration—when I was getting ready. It seems like I am continuously in the mode of preparing for one thing or another either physically or mentally. This could be in preparation for an event, meeting, or outing in order to establish my image; at least one that is a desired projection.
I’ve realized that my behavior creates more work or unnecessary stress. For example, I had an appointment to get my hair cut, so I went through all, and I mean ALL of the steps to arrange my hair just so. I thoroughly shampooed, conditioned, blow dried, straightened, and styled all of the strands upon my head. Moments later, all of that labor was completely demolished in the shampoo bowl at the salon as remnants of my scrupulous style swirled down the drain.
Why do I choose to put myself through such agony? Perhaps it is a cautionary or preventative step to subliminally communicate to my stylist, “This is how my hair looks, so you best not waiver from it!” I’ve had horrendous hair cuts in the past, which resulted in tears and return visits to the salon for correction. Am I taking steps too far? Does a stylist even care if their client’s hair is clean before they start to snip, snip?
The same holds true for my car, especially when taken in for service. I make sure that it’s nice and clean inside and out—a message that I’m responsible and have expectations; don’t botch the job! I didn’t bring in a junker, so don’t turn it in to one. Again, this is based on previous negative experiences where one simple visit for service turned in to taking up residency in the waiting area as the new problems were diagnosed.
Am I the only one that goes through such laborious pains to get ready? I do the same for the dentist, doctor, nail technician, and hotel room attendant. What is this all really about? Am I trying to save face, is it misdirected protection of some kind of expectations, or some mumbo-jumbo mind game I’ve concocted? Part of me doesn’t want to create more work; it’s like I want to make their job easier, even though I’m paying for the service.
How I’m perceived by others has become a quiet undercurrent for intentional behavior. In the end, does anyone even notice, let alone care? Seems like I’m always getting ready to get ready. What a waste of time! Time to continue working on letting the insecurity go and display confidence in myself. I am good enough. I am worthy, just as I am.