Quotes from the Felt…

Felt Quotes 2 WPPoker can have some interesting or juicy comments, especially in cash games.  Here’s a list of lines said either directly to me or overheard while playing poker…

  • He quit the CIA to become a singer, but I don’t know why.
  • I have two ex-wives and my girlfriend is a psychopath.
  • Well, it’s not that fancy shit that’ll give hangovers. (Bud Light vs. Micro)
  • You’re the prettiest girl I’ve seen (long pause), in the last 3 minutes. (really? ouch!)
  • Like sheep ready for slaughter. (standing in line to register for tourney)
  • He went and find it. (cell phone left at another table; why a player was gone from seat)
  • Where’s the house doctor? My ear hurts. (older gent complaining about a woman who wouldn’t shut up)
  • When I feel horny I get hot. (Lady about 70-ish to three 20-somethings playing at same table).
  • You three give me damage!  I want bruises! (same old lady; her VERY direct pick-up line)
  • He’s Elvis
  • Are you feeling lucky punk?
  • Look up and say “wow” (I did) and guy said “thank you, I needed that.”
  • Waitress: Can I get you anything? Player: Can I get a 6ft blonde? Waitress: You can, how much do you have?
  • Player to the dealer: What are you doing rushing the players off? Your job is to deal, don’t worry about the players!! Dealer to the other player: Sir, did you want a hand?
  • Nobody’s listening and nobody cares.  How many times have you been told?  Yet you still keep on anyway.
  • Lettuce foul.
  • That’s one too many elephant jokes.  You’re cut off.
  • Player: I marry her right now! (to dealer; river=winning hand); TD: In America, you need consent.
  • I forgot what beer I’m having.  Oh yeah, Sierra Nevada.  That’s one of the best beers in the world right there!
  • Yep, yep.  I knew you were milking me.  Have you ever been milked before?
  • I ordered and extra large salami
  • I’m a grower not a shower
  • What’s the difference between a poker dealer and a toilet?  A toilet only sees one asshole.
  • Just the two of us in?  No, there’s me too.  I know, but you don’t count.
  • Naked and Afraid…I get tired of see the dong swing.

This list is as of August 14, 2016.  I’ll update periodically and repost.

Wine Lines, 08/14/16

I record lines said while out wine tasting.  These can be from friends, winery employees, me, or conversations I ear hustle.  As the day goes on, conversations can get rather saucy.  Lots of innuendo, double entendre, and shenanigans. Hope there are some chuckles; consider yourself warned…

August 13, 2016 @ Macchia

  • The best decision is a wine decision

March 5, 2016 @ Macchia

  • Let’s fill the hole; Mischievous please
  • That’s juicy

February 20, 2016 @ BR Cohn, Kunde, and Girard:

  • Wine, food, and friends I’m soooo ready!
  • As the youngest, I’m use to the hump
  • He was pissed on?  No, they were pissed.  He was shit on though.
  • Myriad?  Really, you’re throwing that down this early in the morning?
  • Oaky and buttery just the way I like it
  • Smart Ass Saturday, what can I say?
  • Guess all you have to do is make a crack about paprika
  • Once you’ve go red, your inhibitions you’ll shed
  • I like em over 100 yrs old
  • What’s the best advice you can give a girl getting married?  Don’t.
  • Wine will help with marriage, it’s a great lubricant
  • He somehow got nervous and had a big ass shit in the middle of the cubicles
  • The gouda with the gouda is amazing
  • Gouda down
  • Gouda, gouda, honey, prosciutto is the way to go
  • Does a cave a tunnel make?
  • I never got basil til I moved away from home
  • Thank god you don’t have a nut allergy
  • Fake man buns shouldn’t exist, but they do
  • Denim shorts still exist?  Umm hmm, check it out x2
  • He looks like a freeze dried Hulk
  • She’s ditching her husband for the Shake Weight
  • Last time I left cheese in my thingy
  • I’m covered, but I’m not Coverdale Page
  • Umm, who are you?  I’m AT&T.  Oh, well, I’m Verizon.
  • I judge wine by how it starts.  So foreplay is important to you?
  • Omg Wolverine is at the bar!
  • It was like dirty sock-a-way
  • I need a vent on my face.  I feel wine warmth.
  • I feel like I have purple lips, purple lips, and purple teeth
  • I see lots of red and it is not wine
  • “Perfect” One Direction, is my theme song
  • That’s the best line “does your mouth remember the taste of my love” Ed Sheeran

Me and Wine BarrelsOak Farm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 17, 2015 @ Macchia, D’Art, and Oak Farm Vineyards:

  • I have a buckle up my butt
  • No!  I don’t know what a Yeti 110 is
  • You’ll see a whole new level of fury if you…
  • I have a summer and a winter pair of windshield wipers.  WTF, of course you do!
  • I’ll be licking that off later
  • Pour some brownie on me
  • I should’ve brought it to bring it
  • Everything’s better with sea salt
  • That’s a party in your mouth, but that one’s a high school dance
  • I you was a bag of chips, you’d be a bag of Frito’s or pork rinds
  • Omg, this thingy has a knob!
  • If I have to repeat this tomorrow, I’m going to bed now
  • When a dog is looking in your eyes, it’s giving you an endorphine bath
  • Riddle me this
  • I have a bush and I know how to use it
  • I have a knob in back, can you turn it on?
  • Oh sheep!
  • That’s naked pool party wine
  • You had us at naked
  • Oh no, he’s a pervert, he’d probably join you
  • It’s like the Beatles walking picture.  Umm, yeah, Abby Road.  No, the Beatles walking picture.  Abby Road.
  • Take the topper off and let me have more
  • You bread blocker!
  • Do they have a slurred smile?
  • I didn’t even get to touch the remote until 2009
  • If I was Gene Simmons, I’d get so much out of this glass
  • It’s not a walk of shame, it’s a stroll of success!
  • That’s not my cheese
  • Shove that on your pie hole
  • I did the pre, but not the thee
  • They have room to have huge whatever
  • Look, I’m a cone head!  That’s so in right now
  • That’s worth a magazine circle

Older…

  • I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
  • You know you drank too much wine when you’re teeth are purple.
  • When I die, I want to wake up in Rhone.
  • That’s missing another world (Chardonnay w/out oak)
  • What is it?  It’s a Chardonnay fortified with Everclear (Chardono).  It’s a mind eraser.  Do I want to go there? Yes.
  • Well, it’s a romance language (Italian)
  • Port tastes like liquid candy.  That’d be a good porn name.
  • I just got a cool breeze where I shouldn’t.
  • If he wants you to make tortillas in the morning, then we have a problem.
  • What are you doing? Get your hand off my button!!
  • Remember what you had in your mouth.
  • Go wash your Smurf hand.
  • After 6 beers you’re full.
  • That’s moanable!
  • Look at that crack pipe on that bottle of wine!  I wish I had my cigar lighter.
  • Do you need sunscreen because that was so tannini?  My knees don’t tan.
  • My falsies almost flew out!
  • We have lays in the car, do you want one?
  • Don’t go sticking your nose in the backside, unless you’re a member.
  • Better than wicker.
  • Ed vs head
  • I felt them to see if they were real.
  • Quick, make it go up!  (window)
  • You can take the boy out of the country, but not the country out of the boy.
  • Alejandro would be Lady Gaga; Fernando would be Allah
  • That’s the first snort of the day.
  • Are you from Texas?  No.  Aren’t you wearing a cowboy hat? Umm, no, it’s a fedora.
  • Pinky vs. Piggy Toe
  • Would you just push out and be done with it. (door)
  • Would you trim before you crop that shit? (pic for IG)

This list is as of August 13, 2016.  I’ll update periodically and repost.

Wine Lines, 2/20/16

Similar to “Quotes From the Felt,” I record lines said while out wine tasting.  These can be from friends, winery employees, myself, or conversations I ear hustle.  As the day goes on, conversations can get rather saucy.  Lots of innuendo, double entendre, and shenanigans. Hope there are some chuckles; consider yourself warned…

February 20, 2016 @ BR Cohn, Kunde, and Girard:

  • Wine, food, and friends I’m soooo ready!
  • As the youngest, I’m use to the hump
  • He was pissed on?  No, they were pissed.  He was shit on though.
  • Myriad?  Really, you’re throwing that down this early in the morning?
  • Oaky and buttery just the way I like it
  • Smart Ass Saturday, what can I say?
  • Guess all you have to do is make a crack about paprika
  • Once you’ve go red, your inhibitions you’ll shed
  • I like em over 100 yrs old
  • What’s the best advice you can give a girl getting married?  Don’t.
  • Wine will help with marriage, it’s a great lubricant
  • He somehow got nervous and had a big ass shit in the middle of the cubicles
  • The gouda with the gouda is amazing
  • Gouda down
  • Gouda, gouda, honey, prosciutto is the way to go
  • Does a cave a tunnel make?
  • I never got basil til I moved away from home
  • Thank god you don’t have a nut allergy
  • Fake man buns shouldn’t exist, but they do
  • Denim shorts still exist?  Umm hmm, check it out x2
  • He looks like a freeze dried Hulk
  • She’s ditching her husband for the Shake Weight
  • Last time I left cheese in my thingy
  • I’m covered, but I’m not Coverdale Page
  • Umm, who are you?  I’m AT&T.  Oh, well, I’m Verizon.
  • I judge wine by how it starts.  So foreplay is important to you?
  • Omg Wolverine is at the bar!
  • It was like dirty sock-a-way
  • I need a vent on my face.  I feel wine warmth.
  • I feel like I have purple lips, purple lips, and purple teeth
  • I see lots of red and it is not wine
  • “Perfect” One Direction, is my theme song
  • That’s the best line “does your mouth remember the taste of my love” Ed Sheeran

Me and Wine BarrelsOak Farm

October 17, 2015 @ Macchia, D’Art, and Oak Farm Vineyards:

  • I have a buckle up my butt
  • No!  I don’t know what a Yeti 110 is
  • You’ll see a whole new level of fury if you…
  • I have a summer and a winter pair of windshield wipers.  WTF, of course you do!
  • I’ll be licking that off later
  • Pour some brownie on me
  • I should’ve brought it to bring it
  • Everything’s better with sea salt
  • That’s a party in your mouth, but that one’s a high school dance
  • I you was a bag of chips, you’d be a bag of Frito’s or pork rinds
  • Omg, this thingy has a knob!
  • If I have to repeat this tomorrow, I’m going to bed now
  • When a dog is looking in your eyes, it’s giving you an endorphine bath
  • Riddle me this
  • I have a bush and I know how to use it
  • I have a knob in back, can you turn it on?
  • Oh sheep!
  • That’s naked pool party wine
  • You had us at naked
  • Oh no, he’s a pervert, he’d probably join you
  • It’s like the Beatles walking picture.  Umm, yeah, Abby Road.  No, the Beatles walking picture.  Abby Road.
  • Take the topper off and let me have more
  • You bread blocker!
  • Do they have a slurred smile?
  • I didn’t even get to touch the remote until 2009
  • If I was Gene Simmons, I’d get so much out of this glass
  • It’s not a walk of shame, it’s a stroll of success!
  • That’s not my cheese
  • Shove that on your pie hole
  • I did the pre, but not the thee
  • They have room to have huge whatever
  • Look, I’m a cone head!  That’s so in right now
  • That’s worth a magazine circle

Older…

  • I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
  • You know you drank too much wine when you’re teeth are purple.
  • When I die, I want to wake up in Rhone.
  • That’s missing another world (Chardonnay w/out oak)
  • What is it?  It’s a Chardonnay fortified with Everclear (Chardono).  It’s a mind eraser.  Do I want to go there? Yes.
  • Well, it’s a romance language (Italian)
  • Port tastes like liquid candy.  That’d be a good porn name.
  • I just got a cool breeze where I shouldn’t.
  • If he wants you to make tortillas in the morning, then we have a problem.
  • What are you doing? Get your hand off my button!!
  • Remember what you had in your mouth.
  • Go wash your Smurf hand.
  • After 6 beers you’re full.
  • That’s moanable!
  • Look at that crack pipe on that bottle of wine!  I wish I had my cigar lighter.
  • Do you need sunscreen because that was so tannini?  My knees don’t tan.
  • My falsies almost flew out!
  • We have lays in the car, do you want one?
  • Don’t go sticking your nose in the backside, unless you’re a member.
  • Better than wicker.
  • Ed vs head
  • I felt them to see if they were real.
  • Quick, make it go up!  (window)
  • You can take the boy out of the country, but not the country out of the boy.
  • Alejandro would be Lady Gaga; Fernando would be Allah
  • That’s the first snort of the day.
  • Are you from Texas?  No.  Aren’t you wearing a cowboy hat? Umm, no, it’s a fedora.
  • Pinky vs. Piggy Toe
  • Would you just push out and be done with it. (door)
  • Would you trim before you crop that shit? (pic for IG)

This list is as of February 20, 2016.  I’ll update periodically and repost.

Wine Lines, Updated 10/21/15

Me and Wine Barrels Oak Farm

Similar to “Quotes From the Felt,” I’ve been recording lines said while out wine tasting.  As the day goes on, conversations can get rather saucy.  Lots of innuendo, double entendre, and shenanigans.  Consider yourself warned…

October 17, 2015 to Macchia, D’Art, and Oak Farm Vineyards:

  • Hold on, I have a buckle up my butt (sitting in the middle of the back seat)
  • No!  I don’t know what a Yeti 110 is (brother-sister)
  • You’ll see a whole new level of fury if you…(mother-son convo)
  • I have a summer and a winter pair of windshield wipers.  WTF, of course you do!
  • I’ll be licking that off later
  • Pour some brownie on me
  • I should’ve brought it to bring it
  • Everything’s better with sea salt
  • That’s a party in your mouth, but that one’s a high school dance
  • I you was a bag of chips, you’d be a bag of Frito’s or pork rinds
  • Omg, this thingy has a knob!
  • If I have to repeat this tomorrow, I’m going to bed now
  • When a dog is looking in your eyes, it’s giving you an endorphine bath
  • Riddle me this
  • I have a bush and I know how to use it
  • I have a knob in back, can you turn it on?
  • Oh sheep!
  • That’s naked pool party wine
  • You had us at naked
  • Oh no, he’s a pervert, he’d probably join you
  • It’s like the Beatles walking picture.  Umm, yeah, Abby Road.  No, the Beatles walking picture.  Abby Road.
  • Take the topper off and let me have more
  • You bread blocker!
  • Do they have a slurred smile?
  • I didn’t even get to touch the remote until 2009
  • If I was Gene Simmons, I’d get so much out of this glass
  • It’s not a walk of shame, it’s a stroll of success!
  • That’s not my cheese
  • Shove that on your pie hole
  • I did the pre, but not the thee
  • They have room to have huge whatever
  • Look, I’m a cone head!  That’s so in right now
  • That’s worth a magazine circle

Older…

  • I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
  • You know you drank too much wine when you’re teeth are purple.
  • When I die, I want to wake up in Rhone.
  • That’s missing another world (Chardonnay w/out oak)
  • What is it?  It’s a Chardonnay fortified with Everclear (Chardono).  It’s a mind eraser.  Do I want to go there? Yes.
  • Well, it’s a romance language (Italian)
  • Port tastes like liquid candy.  That’d be a good porn name.
  • I just got a cool breeze where I shouldn’t.
  • If he wants you to make tortillas in the morning, then we have a problem.
  • What are you doing? Get your hand off my button!!
  • Remember what you had in your mouth.
  • Go wash your Smurf hand.
  • After 6 beers you’re full.
  • That’s moanable!
  • Look at that crack pipe on that bottle of wine!  I wish I had my cigar lighter.
  • Do you need sunscreen because that was so tannini?  My knees don’t tan.
  • My falsies almost flew out!
  • We have lays in the car, do you want one?
  • Don’t go sticking your nose in the backside, unless you’re a member.
  • Better than wicker.
  • Ed vs head
  • I felt them to see if they were real.
  • Quick, make it go up!  (window)
  • You can take the boy out of the country, but not the country out of the boy.
  • Alejandro would be Lady Gaga; Fernando would be Allah
  • That’s the first snort of the day.
  • Are you from Texas?  No.  Aren’t you wearing a cowboy hat? Umm, no, it’s a fedora.
  • Pinky vs. Piggy Toe
  • Would you just push out and be done with it. (door)
  • Would you trim before you crop that shit? (pic for IG)

This list is as of October 20, 2015.  I’ll update periodically and repost.