Quotes From the Felt…

Felt Quotes 2 WP

Poker can have some interesting or juicy comments, especially in cash games.  Here’s a list of lines said either directly to me or overheard while playing poker…

6/26/17 @ Golden Nugget, 2/4 limit
Kentucky sits down in seat 7, next to Canada seat 6 and they strike up a convo; California (me) seat 5 is DYING from what she hears..

K: YouTube?? What the hell is that?!
C: Videos on the internet
C: Spells out Y-O-U-T-U-B-E.com
C: You can look up Wizard of Oz clips with Dark Side of the Moon playing to it
K: Nooo shit! I’ll have to find a computer and check it out!!
C: Smoke a joint when you’re watching and you’re set!
K: Oh my god, how’d you know?
K: No sticks or seeds! None of that shit I tell ya, just the leaves, just the leaves.

K: I’m in the witness protection program. I generally don’t tell people that, but I am.

K: This here is a free t-shirt
C: Was it shot from one of those guns?
K: Yeah, I did! I did!!
C: That’s about as redneck as you can get!
K: How’d you know? I AM a redneck!

K: Is that the misses? (Points to C’s wife, seat 2)
C: Sure is
K: Remember, in marriage you HAVE to get the last two words in.
C: You do?
K: Yes, dear.

K: Where did the man from Kentucky meet his woman?
C/K: At a family reunion! (In unison)
K: Especially true in Mississippi
K: It’s true, you troll the family for a date!

Yes, KY sounded and looked as you imagined. Only in LV…I can’t make this stuff up!


  • He quit the CIA to become a singer, but I don’t know why.
  • I have two ex-wives and my girlfriend is a psychopath.
  • Well, it’s not that fancy shit that’ll give hangovers. (Bud Light vs. Micro)
  • You’re the prettiest girl I’ve seen (long pause), in the last 3 minutes. (really? ouch!)
  • Like sheep ready for slaughter. (standing in line to register for tourney)
  • He went and find it. (cell phone left at another table; why a player was gone from seat)
  • Where’s the house doctor? My ear hurts. (older gent complaining about a woman who wouldn’t shut up)
  • When I feel horny I get hot. (Lady about 70-ish to three 20-somethings playing at same table).
  • You three give me damage!  I want bruises! (same old lady; her VERY direct pick-up line to have sex)
  • He’s Elvis
  • Are you feeling lucky punk?
  • Look up and say “wow” (I did) and guy said “thank you, I needed that.”
  • Waitress: Can I get you anything? Player: Can I get a 6ft blonde? Waitress: You can, how much do you have?
  • Player to the dealer: What are you doing rushing the players off? Your job is to deal, don’t worry about the players!! Dealer to the other player: Sir, did you want a hand?
  • Nobody’s listening and nobody cares.  How many times have you been told?  Yet you still keep on anyway.
  • Lettuce foul.
  • That’s one too many elephant jokes.  You’re cut off.
  • Player: I marry her right now! (to dealer; river=winning hand); TD: In America, you need consent.
  • I forgot what beer I’m having.  Oh yeah, Sierra Nevada.  That’s one of the best beers in the world right there!
  • Yep, yep.  I knew you were milking me.  Have you ever been milked before?
  • I ordered and extra large salami
  • I’m a grower not a shower
  • What’s the difference between a poker dealer and a toilet?  A toilet only sees one asshole.
  • Just the two of us in?  No, there’s me too.  I know, but you don’t count.
  • Naked and Afraid…I get tired of see the dong swinging.

This list is as of June 30, 2017.  I’ll update periodically and repost.

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