Wine Lines, Updated 02/20/16

Similar to “Quotes From the Felt,” I’ve been recording lines said while out wine tasting.  These can be from my friends, winery employees, or conversations I ear hustle.

As the day goes on, conversations can get rather saucy.  Lots of innuendo, double entendre, and shenanigans.  Consider yourself warned…

February 20, 2016 @ BR Cohn, Kunde, and Girard:

  • Wine, food, and friends I’m soooo ready!
  • As the youngest, I’m use to the hump
  • He was pissed on?  No, they were pissed.  He was shit on though.
  • Myriad?  Really, you’re throwing that down this early in the morning?
  • Oaky and buttery just the way I like it
  • Smart Ass Saturday, what can I say?
  • Guess all you have to do is make a crack about paprika
  • Once you’ve go red, your inhibitions you’ll shed
  • I like em over 100 yrs old
  • What’s the best advice you can give a girl getting married?  Don’t.
  • Wine will help with marriage, it’s a great lubricant
  • He somehow got nervous and had a big ass shit in the middle of the cubicles
  • The gouda with the gouda is amazing
  • Gouda down
  • Gouda, gouda, honey, prosciutto is the way to go
  • Does a cave a tunnel make?
  • I never got basil til I moved away from home
  • Thank god you don’t have a nut allergy
  • Fake man buns shouldn’t exist, but they do
  • Denim shorts still exist?  Umm hmm, check it out x2
  • He looks like a freeze dried Hulk
  • She’s ditching her husband for the Shake Weight
  • Last time I left cheese in my thingy
  • I’m covered, but I’m not Coverdale Page
  • Umm, who are you?  I’m AT&T.  Oh, well, I’m Verizon.
  • I judge wine by how it starts.  So foreplay is important to you?
  • Omg Wolverine is at the bar!
  • It was like dirty sock-a-way
  • I need a vent on my face.  I feel wine warmth.
  • I feel like I have purple lips, purple lips, and purple teeth
  • I see lots of red and it is not wine
  • “Perfect” One Direction, is my theme song
  • That’s the best line “does your mouth remember the taste of my love” Ed Sheeran

Me and Wine BarrelsOak Farm

October 17, 2015 @ Macchia, D’Art, and Oak Farm Vineyards:

  • I have a buckle up my butt
  • No!  I don’t know what a Yeti 110 is
  • You’ll see a whole new level of fury if you…
  • I have a summer and a winter pair of windshield wipers.  WTF, of course you do!
  • I’ll be licking that off later
  • Pour some brownie on me
  • I should’ve brought it to bring it
  • Everything’s better with sea salt
  • That’s a party in your mouth, but that one’s a high school dance
  • I you was a bag of chips, you’d be a bag of Frito’s or pork rinds
  • Omg, this thingy has a knob!
  • If I have to repeat this tomorrow, I’m going to bed now
  • When a dog is looking in your eyes, it’s giving you an endorphine bath
  • Riddle me this
  • I have a bush and I know how to use it
  • I have a knob in back, can you turn it on?
  • Oh sheep!
  • That’s naked pool party wine
  • You had us at naked
  • Oh no, he’s a pervert, he’d probably join you
  • It’s like the Beatles walking picture.  Umm, yeah, Abby Road.  No, the Beatles walking picture.  Abby Road.
  • Take the topper off and let me have more
  • You bread blocker!
  • Do they have a slurred smile?
  • I didn’t even get to touch the remote until 2009
  • If I was Gene Simmons, I’d get so much out of this glass
  • It’s not a walk of shame, it’s a stroll of success!
  • That’s not my cheese
  • Shove that on your pie hole
  • I did the pre, but not the thee
  • They have room to have huge whatever
  • Look, I’m a cone head!  That’s so in right now
  • That’s worth a magazine circle

Older…

  • I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
  • You know you drank too much wine when you’re teeth are purple.
  • When I die, I want to wake up in Rhone.
  • That’s missing another world (Chardonnay w/out oak)
  • What is it?  It’s a Chardonnay fortified with Everclear (Chardono).  It’s a mind eraser.  Do I want to go there? Yes.
  • Well, it’s a romance language (Italian)
  • Port tastes like liquid candy.  That’d be a good porn name.
  • I just got a cool breeze where I shouldn’t.
  • If he wants you to make tortillas in the morning, then we have a problem.
  • What are you doing? Get your hand off my button!!
  • Remember what you had in your mouth.
  • Go wash your Smurf hand.
  • After 6 beers you’re full.
  • That’s moanable!
  • Look at that crack pipe on that bottle of wine!  I wish I had my cigar lighter.
  • Do you need sunscreen because that was so tannini?  My knees don’t tan.
  • My falsies almost flew out!
  • We have lays in the car, do you want one?
  • Don’t go sticking your nose in the backside, unless you’re a member.
  • Better than wicker.
  • Ed vs head
  • I felt them to see if they were real.
  • Quick, make it go up!  (window)
  • You can take the boy out of the country, but not the country out of the boy.
  • Alejandro would be Lady Gaga; Fernando would be Allah
  • That’s the first snort of the day.
  • Are you from Texas?  No.  Aren’t you wearing a cowboy hat? Umm, no, it’s a fedora.
  • Pinky vs. Piggy Toe
  • Would you just push out and be done with it. (door)
  • Would you trim before you crop that shit? (pic for IG)

This list is as of February 20, 2016.  I’ll update periodically and repost.

Shoes

Shoes2 WP
By LaLaPalooza

Back in my moccasin and penny loafer days in high school, my best friend asked if I ever wore sneakers.  She said this with a hint of judgment meaning “Don’t you ever dress down?”  I didn’t, unless I had a specific purpose such as playing a sport, or wearing grubby ones for yard work or camping.  

However, there was a short stint during middle school where wore sneakers on a regular basis.  They were a navy blue pair of high top Converse, which was a big to-do for my family to purchase.  Mom wanted to know why a girl would want such “ugly boy shoes.”  Dad was concerned about the quality of canvas and the price tag attached.  After much cajoling, the box made it home.  I wore my Cons almost daily with pride.  Those shoes were a snapshot capturing a moment when I finally got my way and satisfied a longing for “Cool.”  For once I was wearing something name brand and I felt in sync with the style of the time.  The Cons made it about three years through the wear and tear of a teenager.  By the time they were reluctantly placed into the garbage, there were small holes, random doodle designs, and crossed out names of crushes dancing along the sole.  

A pair of indoor soccer shoes used for just one season from several years ago still occupy the farthest corner of my closet.   I can’t seem to part with them.  They represent a time when I played games at 10:00 at night, sweated profusely, and felt that athletic high.  I had war stories to share the next day of jammed toes and ripped fingernails from being slammed into the Plexiglas wall and bruises worn with pride.  They reflect a time of aggression, release, and belonging to an unlikely team of all female elementary teachers.

Read More »

Just Bag It

Paper or plastic?  After developing my grocery list for the week, scanning ads for best prices, clipping coupons, and strolling down multiple aisles of the store, really, I don’t care.  Just bag my damn groceries!

Why is it that I must deal with this environmental question while standing in the checkout line?  My days are filled with endless decisions.  The last thing I need when I’m exhausted and eager to get home is a question of controversy and at the market no less.  Not long ago shopping meant one choice and one choice only—paper.  Nice, sturdy bags that held their shape and could endure use after use.  In fact, some stores offered a five-cent credit for each bag you brought to reuse, which the budget minded appreciated.

Then, the little white plastic bag was invented from the environmentally conscious heart.  Along with plastic bags came metal stands to hang them from to load groceries.  The metal stands often had a useful partner—the pink or yellow moistened sponge which fingers would brush to separate the clingy bag in search for the opening.  Plastic bags inundated stores and homes.  They found their way into every nook and cranny.

There was actually a time when plastic was the dominant choice—according to prominent signs posted, “Groceries are bagged in plastic, paper upon request.”  Somehow, going with plastic showed that the shopper was taking the environmental high road, since they were saving trees.  Interestingly enough, a debate has ensued—come to find out plastic bags are harmful to wildlife and aren’t biodegradable.  Oops! Environmentalists were wrong.  Now, some stores have flip-flopped and gone to paper only.

As a result, yet another choice has hit the scene—the canvas-ish reusable bag (probably made out of paper or plastic fibers), which the shopper may purchase for about a buck.  They come in a variety of colors and conveniently provide free advertisement for the store of choice.  Yet another decision and question for the consumer in line! There are now three products being produced, shipped, and stored..  All for the sake of having something to place our groceries, so that they can make the journey home.  

Where does it stop? As a nation, aren’t there other issues to pursue rather than the appropriate receptacle for our groceries?  How much time and effort has been wasted?  Seems like we would have such an everyday occurrence figured out by now—just bag it! ~07/2015

*Now in California, if we don’t provide our own bag, we’ll be charged (Of course there’s three choices!).  A few bags have made it to the trunk, but there they sit.  Last run to the store an additional fifty cents was tacked on.  I’ll conform.  Eventually.   12/2016

**Now straws?! Good grief. 8/26/18

***Who knew?  Full circle is a thing!  Due to COVID-19, some stores are now forbidding reusable bags brought in from home.  Just when I got in the habit carrying in my own; switch-a-roo button is pressed.  Items are now bagged in plastic…for free.  Some stores require you to bag your own; I don’t mind.  Paper bags are still available, upon request. Stay tuned.  05/12/2020

~Daniela Thompson